Thinking through

I have a few blocks in writing. This is one of those days.

Fear of being misunderstood.
Fear of hurting someone through my writing.
Fear of being judged.
Fear of being unloved, despised.

Because some of my stories are about people and how they make me feel. What is right? What is wrong? It's now left to me, to figure that out on my own... no more teachers or mentors to check with on doubts.

I can tell my story, but can someone feel what i felt? There are always different perspectives and several view points...nobody ever feels, they've done anything wrong.

Say someone told you, you can never do anything wrong. Feel a heavy burden lighten, right? Feels so liberating... what could be the possibilities? How different would our lives be? Isn't it hard to imagine?

I have a long long way to go... as far as taking every chance and dropping every fear goes. Still wrapped up in layers of thoughts... 

But here i go... i have a new post. What do you have to say on this?

A Stab in the Back!

“Et tu, Brute?” ― William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

In 44 BC, Caesar was murdered by a group led by Brutus. This phrase in Latin meaning, "You too, Brutus?" were the last words of Julius Caesar to his close friend Marcus Brutus. It signifies utmost betrayal by a confidant. 

Betrayal does not always mean extra-marital affairs or swindling someone. It happens between friends, co-workers, siblings, parents or in intimate relationships. When the folks that we share a deep connection with stop caring, hurt starts seeping in.

It happens when the trust and love that someone placed in your safe-keeping is dis-regarded.  When you do something that you know is wrong and will upset and hurt someone close to your heart, that is betrayal! Most who experienced betrayal, saw the signs but continued to give that person the benefit of doubt.

Don't ask what happened
or how.
Ever wonder,
how you lost her?

How she drifted away?
One lie at a time.
How a wall rose up?
In disbelief and doubt.
How she fell silent?
To your deaf ears.

Mortals aim
poisoned words,
scornful looks, 
empty silences,
to kill the thing
they love.

A bruised soul
denounces you with lips.
Abandoned,
behind closed doors, 
Buries every day, 
memories, 
and thoughts of you.

I struggle, to bear
the agony of 
Of being mis-understood
Of being betrayed
By the one's i adored and revered.

“For Brutus, as you know, was Caesar's angel:
Judge, O you gods, how dearly Caesar loved him!
This was the most unkindest cut of all”

― William Shakespeare

“It's not your enemies who are likeliest to hurt you. It is, always, those you trust.” ― Rachel Caine, Bitter Blood

Vulnerability is about sharing feelings and experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Are you brave enough to be vulnerable? Betrayal teaches you not only about others but also about yourself.

Dazzle and Delight

Watering plants was terrifically special today as the "tiniest of birds - a flying jewel" fluttered in a corner under dripping drops of water. It was a hummingbird flying through the misting water. The brightly colored pink-purple crown on it's little head mesmerized me as it whizzed around in circles. Around the flowing water of the gentle sprinkler hose. Then it perched on a leaf and preened it's feathers on it's back and on it's wings as i continued to water.

My heart was literally bursting with joy, but i stood still not wanting to scare it away by my excitement. It lingered for a couple more minutes hopping from leaf to leaf, waiting to dive in or just staying still for a few moments, deep in thought. The hummingbird continued to play and bathe: comically diving in and darting away. It was a truly ethereal experience. And then as suddenly as it came, it disappeared in a blink.  I have always been fascinated by a hummingbird's beauty, but its acrobatics this morning thrilled me. Never seen one this close.

Google Image

What more can one ask for, from a day? A tiny bird decided i was trustworthy enough for it hover and play around as i enjoyed my morning routine. Oh, i didn't know i was being watched! I am sure a hummingbird, being an intelligent bird took it's time over months before taking a leap of faith.  I still feel light-hearted and heady with joy, hours after this beautiful encounter. Or... maybe, it just stopped- by to wave me a "Hey, there you are! Glad you are back, we missed you! Cheers."

On another note, the jasmine plant that withered in my long absence is slowly flickering back to life. It's a mystery how it almost died because R says he watered every day, but the winter chill and frost may be to blame. Emma thinks a plant cannot die, if it was watered everyday! I like to think i was terribly missed and that my care is nursing it back.

Feeling loved!

Tune-In

Every man is the sum total of his reactions to experience. As your experiences differ and multiply, you become a different man, and hence your perspective changes. This goes on and on. Every reaction is a learning process; every significant experience alters your perspective.
~ Hunter S. Thompson

Are you aware that you are constantly shaping your personality by all that you think, say, do and feel?